OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHY?

Okay… so… I read this article today, which basically said that that “New Moon” broke the previous box office record (held by “The Dark Knight”) for opening day box office sales.

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/usmovies.thehollywoodreporter.com/new-moon-breaks-boxoffice-record

My one statement: WHAT THE HELL.

Here is an essay on why I hate Twilight, this unfortunate matter of “New Moon” ticket sales, and Stephenie Meyer.

The books sucks. I know the book suck because I read this first one and I was struck by how hilariously cheesy and poorly written it was. It read like cheap fanfiction. No, I ought to correct myself. Comparing the Twilight series to cheap fanfiction is an insult to fanfiction writers everywhere. I’ve read Harry Potter fanfiction before. Granted, most of it is shit, but I’ve found a couple that weren’t bad. Certainly, they’re not going to start awarding Nobel Prizes for Literature to any of those fanfiction writers any time soon, but it’s would be unkind to say that they were without merit. At the very least, they were entertaining. The Twilight books, on the other hand, are absolutely horrible. Their only redeeming quality is that they are so laughably awful they can be used as a teaching tool to show new writers exactly what NOT to do if they ever hope to create anything with an ounce of literary value.

Now, we ought to delve into the reasons why I find the Twilight series to be so shit. It is very easy to say that it simply is, it is a bit more difficult to give reasons why. Let’s start with the most obvious: The story. It’s a classic forbidden love tale between a boy and a girl, only the boy is a vampire and the girl is a dithering twat, and the word “classic” should be replaced with “old and trite”. The boy is not only a creepy stalker, but he’s also a pussified version of a vampire. Vampires are soulless monsters that can’t venture into daylight for fear of bursting into flames. Edward Cullen is a sparkly motherfucker who coddles for his poor defenseless Bella. He won’t even let her do the laundry because he’s worried that she’ll fall into the dryer or break a nail. Edward doesn’t drink human blood, he doesn’t kill people, he doesn’t do anything that a monster does. There is no real conflict here, only a contrived one. There is never a single instance where Edward’s vampirism actually manifests itself in any sort of horrific, monstrous act. Certainly, there are other vampires that can be inhuman, which stands to reason considering the fact that they ARE, but Edward does not. For this reason alone, he’s a bland, motive-less hero. Bella… I don’t even want to write about her at all. Suffice it to say that she’s a useless female who’s lost without her sparkly vampire lover. There is never indication that she has any interests of her own aside from Edward. That alone makes her a detestable character.

Now let’s move on to the ticket sales. Ticket sales are undoubtedly driven by females and their obsession with this series. I’m not exactly sure why preteen/teenage girls like these books. I know why adult women do; it makes them feel younger, like they’re part of something from a younger generation. It’s certainly understandable. I continue to frown on it, but no more than I do adults who try to stay “hip” and “accessible with the teenage demographic” despite the fact that they are no longer belong in the teenage demographic. But as for the teenage girls… no, I really don’t understand it. Perhaps they’re like Edward because they love his sexy vampire body and want his sparkly vampire penis in and around their orifices. That might be the reason. If that’s the case, then I recommend purchasing a bedazzled dildo and be done with it. But, perhaps there’s something deeper. Perhaps they like vampires? Perfectly understandable. There is a great deal of fascination with a powerful, immortal experience, especially one that is feed by the life blood of humans at the loss of one’s soul. There’s the dehumanization, the super-human element, the non-human element, etc, the discussion of the boredom of relative power, the boredom of eternal life, and the nihilism of it. Trading the ability to see yourself in favor of allowing others to see a more beautiful you. There are many interesting philosophical and moral quandaries facing fictional vampires, and by no means do I wish to denigrate vampire fiction and lore. But I must stress time and time again that the so-called “vampires” (and please read that with air quotes) in the Twilight series are not vampires, but rather a pussified version of the monsterous bloodsuckers we all know (and some of us love).

On this last offense, I can only blame Stephenie Meyer, the origin of saccharine twist on vampire mythos. My main issue with her is her treatment of vampires. Vampires are not meant to be sparkly, cuddly, loving creatures. They are soulless blood drinkers who are banished from sunlight and punished for their vanity. They are damned, not blessed. I see nothing detrimental to Edward’s physical and mental wellbeing after being changed into a vampire. There is no drawback, so there is no reason not to be a vampire. I certainly don’t mind when literary tropes evolve. In fact, I encourage it. I want new things and I want new takes on old concepts. What I object to is stripping something of all meaning and stuffing it into a teenage girl-friendly package.

So… yeah, that’s about it.

Spaced, Zombies

So… yeah, started watching some British comedy TV shows this Labor Day weekend… when I should probably be studying… I hate studying… it sucks.

Anyway, so I started watching “Spaced”. It was written by Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes. It aired for two seasons in 1999 before Simon Pegg shot to fame with “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz”. So anyway… so “Spaced” is a British sit-com about two roommates, Tim and Daisy, and their friends, who include an avant-garde artist and a ex-Army soldier who attempted to invade Paris in a stolen tank. It’s got a bunch of surrealist humor cutaways and drug-induced storylines. It’s… hilarious. And funny. And I like it. I like to have it playing in the background while I read and take notes for organic chemistry… it makes it barely palatable/bearable.

I also watched the 2004 remake of “Dawn of the Dead” earlier today. It’s probably my favorite zombie movie after “Shaun of the Dead”. I still think the Resident Evil trilogy is more entertaining to watch while drunk (not necessarily high) and with friends, but I think “Dawn of the Dead” is more… I dunno. Something. Whatever.

Ooo… some things I used to like on girls/women that I know longer do: Pig-tails, high heels, boots, Uggs, long hair. I’m not really sure when or why I don’t like them anymore… I just saw them on a girl and I was like, “Yeah… I’m not attracted to you.” Maybe a combination of the two wouldn’t be too bad… and I guess it depends on the girl. Like, long pig-tails wouldn’t be bad on the right girl. You know what? I take it all back. I’m fine with pig-tails and long hair. I still don’t like Uggs though.

Vitas, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Film Review

Before I begin, watch this music video because it’s awesome:

That dude’s voice can go so high… it’s kinda weird. I wonder what it’d be like for your voice to get that high. I think my voice is around… a baritone or something? I just know that I can’t hit some of the higher notes without shifting into falsetto. I think… I dunno. I didn’t have any vocal training, so I don’t really know what I’m talking about… hahaha…

Anyway, so I went on an adventure last night. I got picked up from my house at around 8:30 PM and I didn’t get back until a little after 3:30 AM the next morning. Lessee…

So we ended up going Denny’s first to get some food. I got the steak sizzle platter… or whatever it’s called. I just know that it was around $8.50 and I paid with my Discover card for the first time! YAY! FUN!

Then we went to go watch the new Harry Potter film. These are my impressions. I ought to warn you that there will be spoilers, both for those who haven’t read the books and for those who will complain about people revealing differences between the book and film. So… if you haven’t seen the film, don’t read this review, even if you’ve read the books. Mind you, there’s nothing radically different plot-wise like there was between the “Fight Club” film and the “Fight Club” book. Anyway…

First of all, many liberties were taken with the film. Some scenes were removed and others were added. For example, there was a scene where  Harry flirted with a cute waitress… who was HOT. I liked her very much. Harry’s re-entry to the Wizarding world was changed. There was also a bit in the middle of the film where the Death Eaters attacked the Weasley house. Conversely, the whole subplot with the new Minister of Magic was removed entirely. There was no reconciliation between Harry and the Dursley’s. In fact, the Dursley’s didn’t even show up in this movie. Many of the lines have been changed but most of the key conversations remained untouched.

Now, you may be expecting that I would be outraged by these changes. Certainly, many of my friends were, at the very least, disappointed by the film and felt that it was a bit of a letdown. I, however, found the film to be… brilliant. And I will explain why.

I don’t think this was meant to be a good film adaption of the Harry Potter books. What I do think is that it’s meant to be a great film in and of itself, regardless of the source material. Certainly, some of the hardcore Harry Potter fans would find this to be blasphemy. My answer to this would be that books and films are two different mediums and as such, they must be judged on their own merits independent of each other. “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” had the best acting to date. Whereas before the senior actors like Michael Gambon were performed admirably in their roles while the younger members, like Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson, were merely serviceable, I felt like almost everyone’s performance in this film has greatly improved from previous films. Although I still feel like Radcliffe’s portrayal of Harry Potter was still weaker than that of most of the others, he delivered his lines well and did well enough in what he was meant to do. However, he didn’t excel in the same way that Emma Watson did. I felt that her character was… incredibly real, not only in her delivery, but in her facial expressions and her body language. As for Rupert Grint… well, he seemed to have a bit of a smaller role than the other two, to be honest. By far, the best actor in this film was Tom Felton. He was absolutely brilliant. I can’t really think of any other way of expressing it. Granted, he didn’t really have to do much more than be a vaguely emo child, albeit one impeccably dressed in designer suits, but he did what he was meant to do, and he did it very well. He also had an interesting motif in the film, and there was a new theme thrown in just for him. As for some of the more minor roles… well, Helena Bonham Carter was as crazy as her character, Bellatrix Lestrange, was, but beyond that, nothing else was really that different.

As I said before, the greatest difference was that this movie was really shot and directed as a movie. I certainly felt that it was more well connected plot-wise than some of the previous films. The cinematography was much better and the film dispensed with much of the childish humor. Despite it’s PG rating, most of the humor is hidden in metaphor and is related to teenage sexuality.

Let’s see… what else… I think that’s about it. The special effects were pretty good. There was only one thing that was a really bothered by, and that was the Milennium Bridge falling into the Thames (I think that’s right… I’m not really familiar with London, sorry), which just looked a bit too fake for my liking. Some of the emotional scenes were a bit less powerful than I had hoped (although that might just because I’m a bit heartless), and Radcliffe STILL hasn’t learned how to cry on cue, but there’s not much you can do there.

Some of the fan’s might hate this movie because of the changes it makes. However, I feel like the changes were necessary for the purpose of maintaining the flow and pacing. Otherwise… I think the film would’ve suffered to assuage the feelings of the hardcore fans who fail to recognize that books and movies are different mediums and as such, most be treated as such. Anyways, I really enjoyed it.

Almost Not Worth Reading

It’s currently 3:34 AM.

I watched the new Harry Potter movie at a midnight showing. Suffice it to say that I liked it very much. I like Harry Potter. As you can see, late night/early morning isn’t conducive to lucid thinking. So, I’m going to leave the review off until tomorrow morning, when I can (hopefully) think clearly. Night night. (-_- Zzz)

It’s now 3:35 AM.

On the Subject of Girlfriends and Bitches, and Bruno!

So, I went to watch “Bruno” with a couple friends last night. It was pretty funny, but I didn’t think it was as good as “Borat”. If you were to compare the two, “Borat” would be certainly be funnier but “Bruno” would have a greater gross-out factor to those with more… conventional (read: straight) tastes. I was a bit disappointed that “Bruno” didn’t offer a wider view of the gay community or have any sort of real final message on accepting gay people. Instead, it chose to show how much people in the United States, particularly in the South, hated gays, which is still legitimate message but one that did little to alter the image of gays. Of course, “Bruno” wasn’t shot for the purpose of advocating gay rights. In my opinion, films ought to make people think, make people feel, or entertain people (I couldn’t follow the “make people…” repetition… FAIL). Obviously, “Bruno” was done more for the latter goal than the former two.

On the way back, one of my friends, Nick, mentioned that he felt like he should get a girlfriend. My other friend, Ben, said something like “Yeah, I guess you should”. Then the three of us started talking about what we looked for in girls and Nick lamented that all the girls at the University of Pittsburgh were “bitches”. I asked him what he meant be that, and Nick explained that they were all hard party girls who liked going out to get drunk (and presumably have casual sex). I was a bit surprised by his definition, since in my mind “bitch” simply referred to any disagreeable, unfriendly, unreasonably evil female. I guess “bitch” is a catchall term used by males (and I suppose females too) to refer to any female they had a strong distaste for. I still feel like the word “bitch” has a general definition though…

Oh well. On a separate note, my chair accumulates way too much heat, so my ass feels like it’s on a stove… I need a wooden chair for the summer…

Letters from Iwo Jima, Harold and Kumar

I watched “Letters from Iwo Jima” on Sunday, and I think it’s my new favorite war movie, not because it’s particularly kickass (the main character, played by Arashi’s Ninomiya Kazunari, never even fires his gun) but because it displays the brutality of war and the absurdity of suicide. So… yeah.

Anyways, on a separate note, I also watched “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” sometime last week. I feel like I’ll probably have some sort of night like that. I probably won’t be flying in a hang glider or something down to White Castle, but I could see myself making a long trip to Cook-Out or something like that. It’d be fun! YAY! I’m watching “Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay” right now, and I think unicorns are awesome.

I’m looking forward to getting some White Castle microwavable burgers in my stomach on a late night while I’m studying. I’ll have to find a microwave though…

Juno and Pregnancies

So I’m watching the backlog of movies that I haven’t watched over the last two years or so. Included in this list of movies-to-watch are “Flags of Our Fathers” and “Letters from Iwo Jima” directed by Clint Eastwood, “The Bank Job”, “Ung-Bak”, “28 Days Later”, and “28 Weeks Later”. While I’m writing this, I’m also watching “Juno”. On a somewhat completely separate note, I’m a bit annoyed by the dialog and the music. Words like “boss”, “wizard”, “pork swords”, and “wicked” are a bit… strange to me, and don’t really like the indie folk music. I do like her hamburger phone though. It’s kinda cool.

SOOOO… ANYWAY. Onto pregnancies. I wonder what I’d do if I got someone pregnant. At this stage of my life, I think I’d still be freaked out, but less so than I would’ve been in high school. Of course, I didn’t manage to have sex in high school, so that kind’ve made pregnancy impossible… which is good.

So… yeah… pregnancy. I don’t like babies. I don’t want a baby of my own. I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it if I did. I think I’d be a good… dad? Maybe? So if whoever was unfortunate enough to get pregnant by me didn’t want to keep the baby (either abortion/adoption), then… all the better, I guess. If she wanted to keep it, and raise it, then I guess I’d have to just go along with whatever she wanted… I guess.

So I guess my life wouldn’t be over… not necessarily. I’d probably be cut off by my parents, financially, I think. Not entirely sure, but pretty sure anyway. I’d suck. I’d have to do something else with my life, I think.

So… yeah, note to self, don’t knock anyone up that I wouldn’t want to stick with for a while. ^_^

Weed Names and Gatsby Moving Rubber

So, I watched “Pineapple Express” starring James Franco and Seth Rogen again today. In one scene, Pineapple Express is described as an amalgam of Blue Oyster, Afghan Kush, Northern Lights, and Super Red Especial Snowflake, all of which are colloquial names for a particular brand of weed. So anyway, being especially bored today, I came up with a couple weed names of my own:

Hawaiian Punch
Original Hulk
Red Hulk
Red Eye Plane
Amazon Rain
Giant’s Poison

On an entirely different matter, I’m thinking about growing my hair out a bit more and buying some Gatsby Moving Rubber off Amazon. I’ve been looking for some Asian hair products on the Internet and Gatsby was highly recommended on almost all the Internet boards I looked at. So… yeah, I’m thinking about doing that sometime soon.

Art, Beauty, and Fashion

I watched “The Devil Wears Prada” last night. It was sort of funny and the dialogue was snappy, but I felt that the characters were a bit hollow and the plot was too chick-flick-ish. It also wasn’t emotionally arresting. Interestingly enough, I found myself criticizing some random girl’s boots today… *shrugs*

The movie got me thinking about how much influence one person’s opinion has over an entire industry. Miranda (Meryl Streep’s character) is supposedly based off of Anna Wintour, the editor-in-chief of “Vogue” magazine. 60 Minutes recently did a bit on her, which is how I found out about Anna Wintour and “The Devil Wears Prada”. Apparently, Wintour holds sway over a large swath of the fashion industry and her opinion of someone’s work is enough to catapult a designer to the heights of fame or sink him to the depths of obscurity. I found it strange how one person’s opinion had such influence over things as subjective as good fashion.

That got me thinking about art and beauty. Who determines if art is good or bad? For example, when I see Picasso’s paintings, I personally see no great value in Guernica, and the only reason why I know that the paintings are significant is because of my art teacher in grade school. I’ve listened to Franz Listz’s “Concerto for Piano and Orchestra No. 1 in E Flat Major” and it doesn’t strike me as being particularly good. I’ve seen “Citizen Kane”, and even though it’s supposed one of the best movie’s in the world, I found it slow and boring. I feel that sometimes a book, piece of art, song, or film would be given a pass that it ordinarily would not have been given if it were not associated with a particular author, artist, musician, or director.

This dichotomy between what the world sees as “good/bad” and what I personally see as “good/bad” makes it difficult to define something as good or bad. I had a bit of row with a friend of mine about what made a film good or great. I basically said that a good film ought to have layers so that re-watching a film makes you think as you uncover another layer that you may not have previously noticed, whereas my friend argued that a good film ought to entertain. Eventually, I came to the conclusion whether or not a film is good depends on the viewer, but the question of whether or not a film is great depends on how much influence it had on cinema and the rest of the industry in general.

I’ve come to the conclusion that any work of art, film, book, etc. should to do one of two things: It should make you think or it should entertain you. Ultimately, a book, a song, or a movie is merely another medium to transmit a certain opinion from one human being to his audience. If that opinion is transmitted successfully, then it should make the audience see the world in a slightly different way, or at least consider that their world is changed somewhat. If it fails to do that, it should elicit some sort of emotional response. For example, I enjoyed “Independence Day”, even though it’s a stupid, stupid movie. I don’t give a damn, it’s Will Smith vs. Aliens. I’m there. I’m eating popcorn and I’m watching that dumb movie.

So… yeah… That’s it. I kinda rambled again.

Short Film Relating to… ZOMBIES!

I found this short film on a movie review site that I go that that does animated movie reviews. After you’re done watching this pretty kickass low budget short, go watch some of their movie reviews on the main site, because they’re pretty awesome.

http://my.spill.com/profiles/blog/show?id=947994:BlogPost:1317810

If I get some time, I might put up a proper blog post sometime tonight or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. ^_^