Okay… so… I read this article today, which basically said that that “New Moon” broke the previous box office record (held by “The Dark Knight”) for opening day box office sales.
http://movies.yahoo.com/news/usmovies.thehollywoodreporter.com/new-moon-breaks-boxoffice-record
My one statement: WHAT THE HELL.
Here is an essay on why I hate Twilight, this unfortunate matter of “New Moon” ticket sales, and Stephenie Meyer.
The books sucks. I know the book suck because I read this first one and I was struck by how hilariously cheesy and poorly written it was. It read like cheap fanfiction. No, I ought to correct myself. Comparing the Twilight series to cheap fanfiction is an insult to fanfiction writers everywhere. I’ve read Harry Potter fanfiction before. Granted, most of it is shit, but I’ve found a couple that weren’t bad. Certainly, they’re not going to start awarding Nobel Prizes for Literature to any of those fanfiction writers any time soon, but it’s would be unkind to say that they were without merit. At the very least, they were entertaining. The Twilight books, on the other hand, are absolutely horrible. Their only redeeming quality is that they are so laughably awful they can be used as a teaching tool to show new writers exactly what NOT to do if they ever hope to create anything with an ounce of literary value.
Now, we ought to delve into the reasons why I find the Twilight series to be so shit. It is very easy to say that it simply is, it is a bit more difficult to give reasons why. Let’s start with the most obvious: The story. It’s a classic forbidden love tale between a boy and a girl, only the boy is a vampire and the girl is a dithering twat, and the word “classic” should be replaced with “old and trite”. The boy is not only a creepy stalker, but he’s also a pussified version of a vampire. Vampires are soulless monsters that can’t venture into daylight for fear of bursting into flames. Edward Cullen is a sparkly motherfucker who coddles for his poor defenseless Bella. He won’t even let her do the laundry because he’s worried that she’ll fall into the dryer or break a nail. Edward doesn’t drink human blood, he doesn’t kill people, he doesn’t do anything that a monster does. There is no real conflict here, only a contrived one. There is never a single instance where Edward’s vampirism actually manifests itself in any sort of horrific, monstrous act. Certainly, there are other vampires that can be inhuman, which stands to reason considering the fact that they ARE, but Edward does not. For this reason alone, he’s a bland, motive-less hero. Bella… I don’t even want to write about her at all. Suffice it to say that she’s a useless female who’s lost without her sparkly vampire lover. There is never indication that she has any interests of her own aside from Edward. That alone makes her a detestable character.
Now let’s move on to the ticket sales. Ticket sales are undoubtedly driven by females and their obsession with this series. I’m not exactly sure why preteen/teenage girls like these books. I know why adult women do; it makes them feel younger, like they’re part of something from a younger generation. It’s certainly understandable. I continue to frown on it, but no more than I do adults who try to stay “hip” and “accessible with the teenage demographic” despite the fact that they are no longer belong in the teenage demographic. But as for the teenage girls… no, I really don’t understand it. Perhaps they’re like Edward because they love his sexy vampire body and want his sparkly vampire penis in and around their orifices. That might be the reason. If that’s the case, then I recommend purchasing a bedazzled dildo and be done with it. But, perhaps there’s something deeper. Perhaps they like vampires? Perfectly understandable. There is a great deal of fascination with a powerful, immortal experience, especially one that is feed by the life blood of humans at the loss of one’s soul. There’s the dehumanization, the super-human element, the non-human element, etc, the discussion of the boredom of relative power, the boredom of eternal life, and the nihilism of it. Trading the ability to see yourself in favor of allowing others to see a more beautiful you. There are many interesting philosophical and moral quandaries facing fictional vampires, and by no means do I wish to denigrate vampire fiction and lore. But I must stress time and time again that the so-called “vampires” (and please read that with air quotes) in the Twilight series are not vampires, but rather a pussified version of the monsterous bloodsuckers we all know (and some of us love).
On this last offense, I can only blame Stephenie Meyer, the origin of saccharine twist on vampire mythos. My main issue with her is her treatment of vampires. Vampires are not meant to be sparkly, cuddly, loving creatures. They are soulless blood drinkers who are banished from sunlight and punished for their vanity. They are damned, not blessed. I see nothing detrimental to Edward’s physical and mental wellbeing after being changed into a vampire. There is no drawback, so there is no reason not to be a vampire. I certainly don’t mind when literary tropes evolve. In fact, I encourage it. I want new things and I want new takes on old concepts. What I object to is stripping something of all meaning and stuffing it into a teenage girl-friendly package.
So… yeah, that’s about it.
